If I'm Being Honest...

I feel like I've been blogging a lot of random topics lately...

and that, perhaps, a "check-in" on a more personal level is due.

You know, just being honest with

where we are, what life is like, how we feel...

and other things that will, not only clue anyone interested in,

but will be good for me to write down for posterity sake

in the years to come.

So here they are... 

random blurbs & thoughts.

{Editor's Note: Buckle up.}

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Yesterday, I got really sad when I realized that November 2nd

was the date that we had our 20 week sonogram

and found out we were having two girls.

I haven't been up for watching the video we made,

but it is pretty cute if you haven't. 

Why is it that anniversaries are so much harder than other days?

There's nothing particularly different about them,

but I guess they just remind us that life is moving on

and we are officially a bit further removed from that person.

It doesn't help that Viola is so cute, either.

The more we love her,

 the more we see what we lost.

In a flit of boredom last night,

I looked at our pictures from the hospital.

They start the night I was induced...

such light, carefree faces in the delivery room

where Tyler is juggling heart rate monitor bands

and then switch directly to the two of us 

sitting under the bright lights of the NICU holding our sweet babies

with puffy eyes and the emptiest looks on our faces.

8 months later, 

and I still feel just as caught off guard.

I had a dream just last night that I was pushing two little Violas in a stroller

and then I look down and one has disappeared

and, in the dream, I thought: 

Oh yeah, she was never actually here. 

I hate that part.

*  *  *

When I see other moms "mourn" their babies getting "so big" 

on social media, I have to remind myself not to get fussy.

Having your baby grow 

and do "big kid" things

is what every parent who has a child

that won't hit those milestones dreams of.

You'd be devastated if they didn't.

But behind my defensiveness and jaded perspective,
I have the luxury of knowing where they are coming from
by having a perfectly wonderful baby, too.

And so, I try to remind myself to savor Viola's smallness today,

because I know one day this baby won't be exist anymore...

she'll be a toddler/kid/teenager/adult

so my time with "Baby Viola" is fleeting.

And, safe to say, I'm not taking any time for granted.

I'm breathing in cute moments a little longer

while they are here and enjoying them for what they are...

The three of us cuddled up in bed on a rainy morning.

How Viola looks curled up in my arm with her nose squished 

on my curled up arm... which is probably connected to my iPhone. #shameful

Pushing the stroller through Portobello Road with her clutching on to my finger.

Her toothless little mouth.

*  *  *

Wow, Lauren, stick to blog posts on donuts & France...
this stuff is low.

I know, sorry.

So with all of this sad talk,
where does that leave us?

Wistfully mourning? Yes.

Hopeless? No.

Scared to death of "what else" could happen? Trying not to be.

Tyler & I would both say

that we are at the point 

where we've just nestled into

the bigness of God and his goodness.

We really do believe that, 

even if it's not right now,

and despite our aching sadness-

He is good.

Does it sound like crazy talk if I tell you

that I have felt God's love more this year

than ever before in my life?

It probably does,

because- in spite of my sadness, 

I am so thankful to Him.

I feel like I'm the character in a really great happy movie

in the low point where they hit their moment of crisis...

but the writer will obviously write for everything to come together 

and happiness be restored.

And until that happy ending arrives

and I find myself smugly walking off in the sunset holding Tyler's hand,

The end of Psalm 52 will be playing on a continuous loop in my mind....

"... I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God;

I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever.

For what you have done I will always praise you

in the presence of your faithful people.

And I will hope in your name, for your name is good."

*  *  *

So there you have it...

a quick look into my crazy brain.

Kinda like walking through a spook house

with scary things at every corner, eh?

Perfect timing for Halloween.

Don't worry though,
 you'll make it out okay in the end.

(And, you know what? So will we.)

*image via