Momhghh

The title of this post
is a result of a baby crawling across my computer...

I decided to leave it as is,
in efforts of maintaining this post's theme.

*     *     *

Regardless of how easy Instagram and blogging 

may make it look

to travel, work and be a mom...

it's not always picture perfect.

It wouldn't even be possible

if Tyler wasn't working on a start-up

that gave him the flexibility to move his hours around

and work from home when needed.

In fact, can I pause for a moment to applaud the dad he is?

He takes care of Viola nearly every day before lunch

and is, 99%, the wind beneath my proverbial wings

when I have to scoot out to a museum tour or day trip

by hanging back with Viola when I need to be "on."

So, no, it's not easy.

It's take endless chatter trying to align our days

and figure out who needs to be where at what time...

and, at times, it results in one (or both) of us

jockeying for who's "turn" it is to do something...

and, at other time, it makes us want to chunk our day planners

at the other's head in frustration....

... and while we gain a lot from this life,
we also give up a lot to have it.

We don't have a lot of free time
to stay in touch with our friends & family
like we might wish.

We don't have a lot of disposable income.

We have a hard time thinking further out
than about 5 or 6 months ahead.

but do I feel lucky to get to spend my days

with the two people I love most

doing jobs that we love
and working with people we respect?

Oh, heck yeah.

It's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination,

but I'm so thankful for this time that we have.

*photography by Noah Darnell for Aspiring Kennedy

Is This Thing On?

No blog posts in a week?

Ah, yes...

I've slipped into the black hole

of the chaos of my semester.

Forgive me.

I'm here.

I'm just busy!

(Who isn't?)

So in the void of thought-provoking blogging,

here are just some awesome things

that I have seen, discovered or eaten 

since we touched down in France.

CHATEAUX

We had such a great day in the Loire Valley last week.

It's such a quick trip from Paris,

I think you should definitely make a day of it

when you plan your trip to Paris.

Hop a TGV from Gare Montparnasse

and head to Tours.

In about an hour and some change,

you'll be there.

Plan to rent a car

and hit the open road.

Chambord, Ambroise & Chenonceau

are the destinations awaiting you.

You definitely won't regret this decision.

(It'll be an all day event, if you plan to do it right.)

SANDRO OUTLET

If you come to Paris and you're in the Marais, 

take a quick jump up from the St. Paul metro stop

to the Sandro outlet on Rue de Sevigne.

I bought some awesome silk pants there (€20)

and an amazing white cocktail drew (€40) there today.

The sweet girls working there said they get new stock in

about ever other day. 

(I have a feeling I'm about to become so much poorer.)

NOT-TOO-SWEET TREATS

I'm all about pastries,

but for some reason

I've been drawn to the simpler choices

when wandering into the boulangerie lately.

Spongey madelines, almond-tinged financiers...

these are a few of my favorite things.

BOOT CAFE

While Paris is known for many lovely things...

it isn't know for great coffee.

Unless you're wanting a tiny espresso

in a pretty cafe,

"real" coffee is hard to come by.

Lucky me for stumbling on a new shop, Boot Cafe,

right next to my metro stop, San Sebastien Froissart.

The new coffee shop sits where a cobbler used to be

(hence the name)....

Grab a cafe creme 

and a piece of the blood orange + pistachio cake

to start off your morning in the Marais.

ON THE MARKET

I love Marche Aux Puces as much as the next American,

but the trek out to Pore de Clignacourt is a bit of a haul 

and the prices can be a bit steep.

(I can't get stay away from it though.)

I was so excited to see the more-local market

pop up on Boulevard Beaumarchais over the weekend.

I'm hoping it's a weekly thing. 

(Any locals able to weigh in on this?)

So many great "Paris" things...

from old street signs to discarded china.

I got two really cool books for 0.50 each.

GIVING ME THE LOOK

First, Viola has mastered "the look."

She gives it on command and we think it's so funny.

We are sadly having to reign it in now

because she's taking it a little too far 

and using her new super power for evil....

But honestly... it makes me laugh.

Also, I'm getting the look.

The Paris look.

With being pregnant (and huge!)

and then post-baby messiness

and then nursing chubbiness (am I the only person who gained weight while nursing?)

and then 2 year old wardrobe apathy,

I had basically given up and given into a wardrobe cycle

of about 4 items + 3 scarves.

See below for documentation of said repeated items.

Being back here is awakening my old self

and I'm actually freshening up my closet a bit.

I'm working on the extra pudge I've slapped on,

but no place like Paris to make you want to lose weight

and wear some great new clothes.

* * *

That's all I've got for now. 

Keep following the fun on Instagram.

Things are getting exciting.

If you're looking to spruce up your closet, too,

here are some pieces that make me say, "Oh la la!"

*images original to Aspiring Kennedy

One Lost.

Over the past year,

in moments when I've felt emotions

that I can only express through writing out

or a brief flit of unashamed honesty...

I've typed out the story of my delivery

to share on here with you.

But, to be honest, it's just a lot for a blog post...

and I feel a bit weird 

putting the most painful moment of my life

out on the internet

for anyone to stare at.

If I thought it might help someone 

in any was possible, I would...

but our situation was so tragically unique

that I don't have to worry that it might happen 

to anyone else by me not raising awareness.

If I ever see you in person

and you want to talk about it,

I'll explain it to you then...

But because when I do meet blog readers

and I realize how little I have exactly shared,

I do want to share a few things with you

that can help you understand things a bit more...

First, our daughter was not miscarried, nor was she stillborn.

We didn't find out that anything was "wrong" with her before delivery, 

and we didn't expect anything other than two healthy daughters.

She was full-term. She was born, lived, and she died when she was two days old.

To our surprise, she was Viola's identical twin sister...

and she was prettier than we could have ever imagined our chid could be. 

Today, you would know her as Evelyn...

And the combination of our two daughters

would leave us exhausted, broke, homebound...

and stuck with the feeling that we were

 the luckiest people to have ever lived.

.  .  .

I'm not sure how you're supposed to write

about the first anniversary

of your daughter's death,

but here I find myself trying to do it justice.

I'm sure there are other people who have done it

that could offer an example to me,

but you can't replicate the words of anyone else

when you find yourself in a moment like this.

So, in the name of nothing going as we had planned

and in the hope of everything ultimately working out for good,

I can only offer these words a year out:

I miss my daughter. 

I miss the year that has passed without her,

and I mourn the years ahead that will slip quietly by

without her in them.

But I cling to the hope that God's love is greater

and that this world is fleeting.

In a moment like this, I realize

that what other hope can we have?

.  .  .

I'd also like to say thank you.

Thank for you being there with us.

Not only did you buffer the awkwardness 

of sharing with the internet

that your delivery went terrible and you lost a child,

but you responded in the kindest of ways.

You poured out thoughtfulness through your words,

you eased the hurt with meals and gifts,

you connected with others behind the scenes

to relentlessly show us how much you cared.

You taught me how to love those who hurt,

and I hope to never forget it.

But most importantly,

thank you for celebrating our daughter's life

and grieving our daughter's death.

Your interest and compassion give significance to her life.

As her parents who endlessly grieve such a short end,

there's no greater gift that can be given 

than the one you have offered 

through acknowledging her life and it's value.

From the bottom of my heart,

thanks.

Notting Hill: Family Style

When you live in Notting Hill,
the increase in rent
requires a sacrifice of the size of home
you could get in other areas of London.

So for us, 
"home" expands beyond the four walls of our tiny flat
and into the picturesque neighborhood that surrounds us.

The bustling market
full of once-loved treasures,
the pretty cafes that tempt you as you pass by
with their windows piled with fresh goodies,
and the endless sea of the iconic colorful houses
all come with settling in Notting Hill...

... and we think that's worth more 
than a second bathroom
or extra storage space.

So after our Houzz shoot the other week,

we jumped at the chance to have
Noah Darnell shoot some pictures of our family
wandering through the neighborhood.

I had every intention of sending these out 

as our Christmas cards,

but it never happened.

Luckily, I still have an amazing selection

of really sweet pictures from that day.

Some that mirror the images
Liz took of us for my bump shoot
around Notting Hill.

I love having our lives at this point in time captured.

I have no doubt that if or when we move on from our lives here,
I'll pour over these pictures
and long to relive these days again.

(Thank you, Noah!)

Started in the 0.4% and now... that face. 

*images by Noah Darnell

FOURSALE: Chunky Knit Scarf (Mini)

Yesterday, Viola & I needed some fresh air

after two days in the house

per doctor's orders to stay home

and avoid risking another infection.

I was booooored.

So, I threw on her coat, bow and scarf

and headed out to get some sunshine.

We lasted about 4 minutes

until she started trying to eat leaves

and my neighbor came up to chat

telling me all about the terrible flu

her family is passing around to each other.

(Cue Lauren inching back up the steps towards the door.)

But before the leaves and the plague debacle,

I got to snap a few pics of Viola 

showing off her new Christmas scarf

that Tyler's mom made her.

And promptly posted to Instagram.

(Naturally.)

. . . .

And then my inbox got flooded

with emails asking where it came from.

So, I called up my mother-in-law

and asked her to be the next foursale

for this little old blog.

And, since she loves us, she said yes.

So here you go:

The cutest baby scarves you ever saw.

They are no-fuss and super cute.

The wooden button is easy to fasten 
anywhere you like on the scarf.

Go getcha one

and channel that 
Baby-sitting-on-some-steps-in-Notting-Hill look.

And if you don't have a nino,

you can get one in adult size

to match the one she made me.

It has three wooden buttons and can button into tons of combos.

I'll be wearing the crap out of mine this spring

in the frigid Paris winter.

Size

Baby | Child £16.00 GBP Adult £25.00 GBP

A few notes:

• Since my mother-in-law will be making these by hand custom for Aspiring Kennedy, please allow 10-15 business days for your order to arrive!
• US shipping only. If you live outside the US, just email me and we can get you sorted with one, too! lauren@aspiringkennedy.com
• I love babies in scarves.

*images original to Aspiring Kennedy

Home (Sweet Home) For the Holidays.

Well guys, thanks.

Your love & support

via emails, instagram comments & facebook messages

was so encouraging over the past four days.

I'm writing this from a chair in my living room

with my cozy pajamas on (these)

after the first shower I've had in days.

My baby is sitting in an adorable shirt (this)

and playing with jingle bells

underneath our Christmas tree

that will probably stay in our home 

for the next couple of weeks to come.

Just for the sake of not sounding completely random

to anyone who hasn't been on various social media...

Saturday, I decided to take Viola to the A&E (read: ER)

since she had a nasty cough that had settled into her chest

and our doctor's wouldn't be open until Monday.

What I thought would be a couple of hours 

ended up being a four day stay at St. Mary's Hospital (this one).

moms who nebulize: i salute you. nothing worse than holding down your baby against their will.

The first day, we were pretty traumatized

to be back, in residence, at the hospital where the girls were born.

The quick downshift from happy/normal

to sudden change of plans felt a little too familiar,

and a wheezing, crying baby doesn't help you feel better.

Luckily- our nurses & doctors made us feel really okay with being there.

Four days, three nights and endless poking & prodding later,

Viola is back to normal

and we are thankful that God took care of that nasty infection.

We are closing up shop for 2013

on a high note,

and optimistic that this is the start

of a great year ahead.

Thanks again for, yet again, being there for our family

over the past year.

You've celebrated with us,

you've mourned with us,

you told us our baby was cute

even through her weird-alien newborn days,

and you've just been... so, so nice.

Lots of love for the year to come.

We look forward to sharing life with you again!

xo-

T, L & v.

Christmas Card | 2013

To each one of my readers,

who I humbly consider my friends...

Thank you for all you have done

to make this year more than bearable...

but making it wonderful for us 

in so many ways.

I hope that 2014 brings joy and light-heartedness

to your family...  and ours, too.

And if it doesn't...

well,

He is still good.

Our love,

Tyler,  Lauren & Viola

2013

I wanna smooch her under some mistletoe.

The other week

I got to pop into the 

Shop Up Event 

hosted by Babyccino Kids.

While we were there,

Amsterdam photographer, Maud Fontein

had set up a cute photobooth

and snapped some pictures of Viola.

Oh my goodness,

this kid is happy 

to be in front of the picture.

We were laughing so hard

at her posing

that we couldn't really focus

on the task at hand.

Obviously, Maud got some winners

through the laughs though...

*image original to Aspiring Kennedy

If I'm Being Honest...

I feel like I've been blogging a lot of random topics lately...

and that, perhaps, a "check-in" on a more personal level is due.

You know, just being honest with

where we are, what life is like, how we feel...

and other things that will, not only clue anyone interested in,

but will be good for me to write down for posterity sake

in the years to come.

So here they are... 

random blurbs & thoughts.

{Editor's Note: Buckle up.}

*  *  *

Yesterday, I got really sad when I realized that November 2nd

was the date that we had our 20 week sonogram

and found out we were having two girls.

I haven't been up for watching the video we made,

but it is pretty cute if you haven't. 

Why is it that anniversaries are so much harder than other days?

There's nothing particularly different about them,

but I guess they just remind us that life is moving on

and we are officially a bit further removed from that person.

It doesn't help that Viola is so cute, either.

The more we love her,

 the more we see what we lost.

In a flit of boredom last night,

I looked at our pictures from the hospital.

They start the night I was induced...

such light, carefree faces in the delivery room

where Tyler is juggling heart rate monitor bands

and then switch directly to the two of us 

sitting under the bright lights of the NICU holding our sweet babies

with puffy eyes and the emptiest looks on our faces.

8 months later, 

and I still feel just as caught off guard.

I had a dream just last night that I was pushing two little Violas in a stroller

and then I look down and one has disappeared

and, in the dream, I thought: 

Oh yeah, she was never actually here. 

I hate that part.

*  *  *

When I see other moms "mourn" their babies getting "so big" 

on social media, I have to remind myself not to get fussy.

Having your baby grow 

and do "big kid" things

is what every parent who has a child

that won't hit those milestones dreams of.

You'd be devastated if they didn't.

But behind my defensiveness and jaded perspective,
I have the luxury of knowing where they are coming from
by having a perfectly wonderful baby, too.

And so, I try to remind myself to savor Viola's smallness today,

because I know one day this baby won't be exist anymore...

she'll be a toddler/kid/teenager/adult

so my time with "Baby Viola" is fleeting.

And, safe to say, I'm not taking any time for granted.

I'm breathing in cute moments a little longer

while they are here and enjoying them for what they are...

The three of us cuddled up in bed on a rainy morning.

How Viola looks curled up in my arm with her nose squished 

on my curled up arm... which is probably connected to my iPhone. #shameful

Pushing the stroller through Portobello Road with her clutching on to my finger.

Her toothless little mouth.

*  *  *

Wow, Lauren, stick to blog posts on donuts & France...
this stuff is low.

I know, sorry.

So with all of this sad talk,
where does that leave us?

Wistfully mourning? Yes.

Hopeless? No.

Scared to death of "what else" could happen? Trying not to be.

Tyler & I would both say

that we are at the point 

where we've just nestled into

the bigness of God and his goodness.

We really do believe that, 

even if it's not right now,

and despite our aching sadness-

He is good.

Does it sound like crazy talk if I tell you

that I have felt God's love more this year

than ever before in my life?

It probably does,

because- in spite of my sadness, 

I am so thankful to Him.

I feel like I'm the character in a really great happy movie

in the low point where they hit their moment of crisis...

but the writer will obviously write for everything to come together 

and happiness be restored.

And until that happy ending arrives

and I find myself smugly walking off in the sunset holding Tyler's hand,

The end of Psalm 52 will be playing on a continuous loop in my mind....

"... I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God;

I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever.

For what you have done I will always praise you

in the presence of your faithful people.

And I will hope in your name, for your name is good."

*  *  *

So there you have it...

a quick look into my crazy brain.

Kinda like walking through a spook house

with scary things at every corner, eh?

Perfect timing for Halloween.

Don't worry though,
 you'll make it out okay in the end.

(And, you know what? So will we.)

*image via

Weekend Rambles

This week was a long, tiring week.

There was nothing bad about it,
 in fact, it was packed full a lot of good/fun things.

If you follow my Instagram insanity,
you may have seen the non-stop line up 
that happened this week
Tower of London, Dover Castle, Canterbury Cathedral, Hampton Court, etc...
along with every tea room & bakery 
in between here & there.

But this morning we woke up groggy
with the immediate need to recover.

So we pushed the alarm to snooze,

cuddled the baby between us 

to convince her to sleep later,

and slept in till 11.

We walked around Portobello Road,

had lunch in one of our favorite pubs, The Pelican,

grocery shopped at the produce stalls & butcher,

queued up like lemmings for a cupcakes at Hummingbird,

and came home for an easy/early night back in the flat.

joining the masses all for a little bit of baked goodness. totally worth it, by the way.

Thanks for the hat, Caley!

A few hours out
with a day like that

and you'll be convinced

that the scales of life

are starting to tip back in your favor
and heavily on the side of awesome.

Except once we got home- 

the baby wouldn't nap,

the boeuf bourgnignon turned out to be more like boeuf soup...

and now, at 11:16, I'm sitting down

after cuddling a certain 7-month old 

who was definitely not wanting to go to bed.

(I suppose this was her form of payback for us conning her to sleep in?)

And perhaps this was my payback for her not going to bed?

Now I'm sitting here

feeling too tired to take a much needed bath,

defeated by the endless visa renewal whisper -talk

Tyler & I had while I rocked Viola,

and severely regretting offering my red velvet cupcake to Tyler

as he chomps in to it over an episode of Arrested Development.

Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day...

And for a husband who saved me the last bite of cupcake 
without me even asking.

*     *    *

Anyone have any special remedy 
for being really tired
and/or adding a few extra hours to the day?
I'll pay you in digestive cookies & ginger beer.

*all images original to Aspiring Kennedy